the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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