i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
