You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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