Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just puked most of my soul out..
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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