Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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