Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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