Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
