Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
