so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
how drunk are you?
Several
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