Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
