even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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