you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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