he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
