I am in a vortex of obligation.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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