please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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