eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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