thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
