You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
