i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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