dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
