Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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