Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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