he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize