i love accidental penises.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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