she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
