My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Randomize