I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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