Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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