**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
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