I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
