Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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