It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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