Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
