my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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