I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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