When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
