guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
