You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
