Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
