fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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