I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
