Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize