If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
