I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
