hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
