Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
