He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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