I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Randomize
