I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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