singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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