I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
