I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
