Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
