Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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