I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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