So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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