I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
do herpes really smell.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
