Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
