I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
