We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
