The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
