He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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