if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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