I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
