Only a mothe r could love this liver
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
