I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
