did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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